Why are Good Conversations So Elusive?

(this post also appears on my own blog, at http://thefutureofwork.net/why-are-good-conversations-so-elusive/)

It happened again. I was at a National Speakers Association Northern California Chapter event on Saturday, proudly wearing my button that reads “Ask Me About My Book” (a gift from Cathy Fyock, my writing coach). Several people did ask (thank you!), and I responded something like this:

Thanks for asking. The working title of the book is Changing the Corporate Conversation. I want to improve the quality of meetings and all kinds of conversations at work. I’m convinced the workforce as a whole is wasting millions of hours of time attending mundane, non-productive meetings of all kinds. My goal is to enable people to design and lead innovative, productive meetings that leverage the talent inherent in every organization.

How did that premise strike people?

Here is a small sample of their responses:

That sounds really exciting!"

"Boy, is that ever needed!"

"When will the book be done? I can’t wait to read it."

"That sounds terrific. My company’s meetings are just plain awful."

I get those kinds of responses every time I talk about the book. And I talk about it because, in my experience, far too many meetings (and many of the less-formal conversations at work as well) just don’t generate engagement, or learning, or even clarity.

We seem to be mired in mediocrity, settling for routine conversations rather than demanding more. What’s galling is that we all seem frustrated but unable to do anything about it.

What gets in our way? Why do good conversations elude us? I believe there are at least six major factors that affect our conversations at work (I have written something about most of them over the last three months or so):

• Individual differences in the way we experience the world, and in how we process our experiences. Those differences often make it difficult for people to communicate effectively, if at all (I wrote a bit about how to understand individual frames of reference in “Listen for Meaning” and about how unique each one of us is in “There is Only One of You”).

• Organizational Contexts –differences in organizational power and authority, functional focus, and task responsibilities combine to make it difficult for many people to get on the same wavelength, let alone be open, candid, and honest with each other. Read “To See a Corporate Culture, Listen to Its Conversations” for some discussion of how power differentials affect communication.

• Organizational Cultures. Too many corporate cultures today value conformity, risk avoidance, and politeness – all traits that discourage candor and focus more on processes than on outcomes. See “Collaborative Conversations Create Constructive Cultures” for some additional thoughts on corporate cultures.

• Management Practices. The way we schedule, manage, and follow up on meetings discourages meaningful conversation (see my blog post “Make Your Meetings More Meaningful” for some perspectives on this observation).

• Stress. Everyone is being asked to do more with less, and for less. We just don’t have the time to catch our breath, slow down, and pay attention to others’ ideas. And isn’t that it takes to have a meaningful conversation?

• Society. The richly connected world we live in today discourages meaningful conversations in a surprising number of ways. Yes, we interact with many more people, in many more places, than ever before. However, those interactions tend to be through short text messages (Twitter, email, Facebook wall postings) or brief phone conversations. We just don’t make the time for casual, leisurely conversations the way our ancestors did. We depend on digital media for entertainment, for news, and for other kinds of communication rather than word of mouth or personal conversations.

I am writing Changing the Corporate Conversation because I know we can do better. and because conversations are at the very core of what we do at work. I am passionate about the difference good conversations can make in organizational effectiveness and in our personal experiences at work (and beyond).

I also want to note that many of the ideas and stories I am compiling for the book have come from – of all things! – conversations. I’m always asking friends and colleagues what they think drives good conversations, and to tell me stories about meetings and conversations that stand out for them. It’s deeply confirming to realize how a conversation about improving conversations at work energizes everyone I meet.

If you have an insight, a concern, a frustration, or some advice about making meetings and/or conversations more meaningful, send me a note (at [email protected]) and let’s talk about it. Or post a comment here; I’d love to hear your story, and possibly include it in the book.